I Have A Toddler....

I now have a toddler toddling around my house. I can't believe how fast the first year has flown by and as sad as I am that I don't have my tiny little baby anymore, I wouldn't trade watching Carter learn and develop for anything. He follows basic directions, will clean up after himself if I ask him, tries to dress himself, signs "milk", says several words, loves being outside, going on walks and going to the park. He has so much personality and is so so close to walking! Last night he took 5 steps to get to me! He loves hiding things, like my wallet, in different drawers and baskets. He loves bath time and will ask to take a bath any time we go in the bathroom. He's a champ about brushing his teeth, eating, helping me, playing by himself. He loves books and will sit and flip through a book and "read" it out loud to himself.

He is not a very good sleeper. He stays up late, wakes up a couple times at night and sleeps in. Then he'll take a nap late in the day and start the whole cycle over again. Right now he's napping at 10 am because he woke up early around 8:30. Hopefully he'll take an earlier than 4 afternoon nap and go to bed before 10:45. I think he's just so busy playing and learning and developing that he doesn't go to sleep until he basically passes out but he won't go to sleep unless he's ready. I can try and try and try but until he chooses, he's not going to sleep. I'm going to get some sleep training books and see what works for us. I can't do cry-it-out but I feel responsible because his sleep issues started when I went to work. Before that he slept great.

He now has 6 teeth, 4 on top and 2 on bottom. He's working on more right now and is in so much pain, my poor boy.

Adjusting

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. Max had a random seizure, we are getting settled, established and making decisions to better our future. We have lots of appointments coming up and Max is going strong at his job. I'm getting all registered to get a certificate in digital graphic design so that in about 9 months I'll be able to do a little bit of work from home to add some mental challenge to my days and add some income.

I'm adjusting to living in a larger city. I really enjoy having everything within a couple of minutes. I love the thought of getting to decide what hospital to deliver our next baby at. I love our new congregation and our apartment.

What I don't like is that I spend most of my days at home. I haven't made any friends yet, hopefully the coming weeks I'll get closer to some of our fellow believers, and I have a hard time with Carter's horrible sleep habits, getting out for walks and other activities.

I plan on starting to go for daily walks and exercise daily and take better care of myself, do my hair and makeup and what not.

I miss having a dog in the house but I'm not where near ready to get another dog. When we do get another dog, we will start with puppy sitting/fostering and then puppy raising. I don't see us having another pet dog for a couple of years. Neither one of us are ready and we know we wouldn't be able to give a pet dog a great home and that's what we want to do.

No news on Eva yet, beyond what we found online, that they are working on getting her a diagnosis. I feel like her tough early months made me jaded, I couldn't see her for what shape she was in currently, all I could see what that tiny little puppy trying to die in my home. It's a hard thing to do, to admit that you aren't the right place for an animal you love, but I'm happy I did and she's getting an unbiased opinion and help.

A Dream I Thought Would Never Happen

As I sit here and look at my huge to-do list, a chunk of it rolled over from yesterday and do some things online, I can't help but think about how much I love being home. The work is endless, exhausting and I never get a break but I can't imagine anything I'd rather do.

At one point, not too long ago, I wondered if I would ever have a baby. Would I ever become a mommy? Would I ever feel a little womb baby kicking and moving in my belly? Would I ever hold a warm, wiggly newborn on my chest and feel that overwhelming love and disbelief? Would I ever deal with sleep deprivation and midnight feedings, diaper changes and rocking sessions? When I saw those lines, when I saw my little bug on that first ultrasound and heard his heartbeat for the first time, I started to believe.

When I had my baby boy, I realized one dream. But I quickly lost another. I had to return to work. I dreamed I would be able to stay home and here I am, it's taken sacrifices, lots of them, but I'm here. It's far better then I ever imagined it could be!

Shaking what his momma gave him! Dancing to the music he was making with the tin of mints.

I do a lot of food prep, mostly cutting up fresh fruits and veggies, a lot of dishes and picking up after my little tornado is done pulling everything he can reach off of it's perch, a lot of vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, etc. It's the moments when Carter is crawling around playing and decides he needs his mommy and will come up to me, lay his head on my arm or lap and smile. It's when he sees me a squeals and gets the biggest, cheesiest smile on his face. It's watching him learn and grow and develop new skills and tricks. It's knowing exactly what he ate today, exactly how he napped, exactly how he's feeling. It's watching his face as he tries a new food for the first time. Seeing his eyes light up when he realized he just accomplished something he's been working on, like picking up two items in the same hand.

As nice as the paycheck can be from working, as nice as getting away for a little bit of time can be, nothing comes close to these moments. Nothing comes close to knowing that my son no longer gets a bottle, no longer drinks formula, not a drop. He now gets breastmilk only and water in his sippy cup.

Settling In

A lot has happened since my last post. Max got a job offer quickly and started last week. We moved (post to come on that), Eva went to a golden retriever rescue and Carter turned 10 months old. My emotions have been all over the place but I feel like things are settling down now and I can return to my new normal.

My reason for suggesting we move down south was for me to be able to stay home with Carter. As much as it sucks to have moved away from my family, for me, it sucks even more to be away from Carter all day every day. I've been home for just over a month (for the second time) and there really is nothing else I would rather do. I'm excited to have the chance at a clean slate, the house is mine to organize and decorate and keep clean and tidy, not have to undo everything and redo while trying to function in it as a home.

Eva went to the golden retriever rescue for a couple of reasons. I don't feel like I'm in a place in my life to care for a large dog, or any dog for that matter. I'm dealing with getting my life stable and where I want it. Eva wasn't getting the attention she deserves and needs. That was all a secondary reason though. With the instability of our income, I knew I wouldn't be able to get her into the vets for a full work up and answers. When we took her back we were told it was her kidneys, there wouldn't be abnormal vet costs because there wasn't anything they could do for her and she would likely not see much after her first birthday. She'll be 4 in October. The golden rescue will get answers and either leave her in a permanent foster home or place her with a family who is fully informed on her health and who have the resources to support her and whatever health issues there are. I miss my beautiful golden girl but I had to put my feelings aside and do what was best for her.

No plans at this point to get a new dog or raise. We are closer to Canine Angels kennels so I will probably puppy sit when I'm ready or at least participate on outings. We still have Elijah, he's adjusting to being an inside cat.

Ok, I better go work on unpacking some more and cleaning. Off to Target later and I may start working on our little backyard.

Problems, check!

I had a glorious week and a half as a stay-at-home-mommy! I spent my days working on getting the apartment clean and organized, reading books to my son, teaching him sign language, having random dance parties and watching him grow, learn and develop. I was living my dream!

Until Friday. I heard Max pull up an hour before he was supposed to get off work. As I listened to him walk up the stairs with our sleeping baby on my lap, I hoped they just let him out early due to it being a slow Friday. When he opened the door, I knew. Before he even held up the check. His face was gray, body language dejected. He told me what happened, which wasn't much. His boss told him that they didn't need him anymore, it was nothing he did, they just talked and didn't need him.

We had budgeted to live on one income, not none. We have enough money to make it through the next month, after that, who knows. So, desperate times call for desperate measures. Max is applying for jobs locally and up to an hour and a half south of here. I don't want to move away from my mom and sisters, but if that's what we have to do, that's what we have to do. The simple fact is that the economy in our home county is horrible. I know it's bad everywhere, but here, it's nasty. The cost of living is high and family wage jobs are few and far between. South of here, it's much better. The cost of living is a bit lower and rent is comparable. The same jobs as up here pay more and have health benefits.

I may or may not be returning to the work force. Ideally Max will have a job, any job, quickly and I won't need to. However, if needed, I will do what I have to for my family. I think we are still planning on moving, eventually, but for now, we just need an income.

Out of My Hands

Last Wednesday I turned in my resignation at work.

Yesterday, I was late to work by 10 minutes due to more babysitter problems. Yesterday evening, I was given my final checks and told they were letting me go.

I don't like it when things don't go according to plan but I am so thrilled to get to spend my days taking care of my most precious gift and house. I'm happy that I no longer have to worry about what my son is doing all day, if he's eating, if he's being sat in front of a tv, if I'm going to be able to go to work or have to call in because of problems.

I'm happy. I no longer have to wake my sleeping baby to spend 30 minutes with him before I drop him off and don't see him again for 9 hours. I'm happy that I'm the one who will be making the decisions on his daily care, more so then what I pack in his diaper bag.

It won't even be that big of a difference money-wise since we've been living off one income anyway.

I will never regret staying home with my son. Everyday I worked, I regret. 'Nough said.

9 months old!

My little guy is 9 months old today! I'm not sure where the time went! He is so precious, so happy, so wonderful. I feel like he deserves so much better of a mom then me but he's stuck with me *wink*.

He had an appointment today, he weighs 15 lbs 11 oz and is 26.5 inches long. He's my little peanut but perfectly healthy (aside from probable celiacs).

He's mobile as well! He is crawling, it's so cute to watch him crawl after his ball or the dog or cat. His favorite activity is standing at the coffee table and getting into whatever he can reach. He loves the park and sitting outside and sitting in his stroller. He still fits in his swing, loves bath time and people. He has started reacting when he doesn't want to go to someone, whether he knows them or not. He will turn his head away and pull himself closer to me. If I hand him to someone and he changes his mind he leans and reaches for me. It melts my heart!