Tuesday, July 10, 2012

A Dream I Thought Would Never Happen

As I sit here and look at my huge to-do list, a chunk of it rolled over from yesterday and do some things online, I can't help but think about how much I love being home. The work is endless, exhausting and I never get a break but I can't imagine anything I'd rather do.

At one point, not too long ago, I wondered if I would ever have a baby. Would I ever become a mommy? Would I ever feel a little womb baby kicking and moving in my belly? Would I ever hold a warm, wiggly newborn on my chest and feel that overwhelming love and disbelief? Would I ever deal with sleep deprivation and midnight feedings, diaper changes and rocking sessions? When I saw those lines, when I saw my little bug on that first ultrasound and heard his heartbeat for the first time, I started to believe.

When I had my baby boy, I realized one dream. But I quickly lost another. I had to return to work. I dreamed I would be able to stay home and here I am, it's taken sacrifices, lots of them, but I'm here. It's far better then I ever imagined it could be!

Shaking what his momma gave him! Dancing to the music he was making with the tin of mints.

I do a lot of food prep, mostly cutting up fresh fruits and veggies, a lot of dishes and picking up after my little tornado is done pulling everything he can reach off of it's perch, a lot of vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, etc. It's the moments when Carter is crawling around playing and decides he needs his mommy and will come up to me, lay his head on my arm or lap and smile. It's when he sees me a squeals and gets the biggest, cheesiest smile on his face. It's watching him learn and grow and develop new skills and tricks. It's knowing exactly what he ate today, exactly how he napped, exactly how he's feeling. It's watching his face as he tries a new food for the first time. Seeing his eyes light up when he realized he just accomplished something he's been working on, like picking up two items in the same hand.

As nice as the paycheck can be from working, as nice as getting away for a little bit of time can be, nothing comes close to these moments. Nothing comes close to knowing that my son no longer gets a bottle, no longer drinks formula, not a drop. He now gets breastmilk only and water in his sippy cup.

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