Monday, July 30, 2012

Adjusting

A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. Max had a random seizure, we are getting settled, established and making decisions to better our future. We have lots of appointments coming up and Max is going strong at his job. I'm getting all registered to get a certificate in digital graphic design so that in about 9 months I'll be able to do a little bit of work from home to add some mental challenge to my days and add some income.

I'm adjusting to living in a larger city. I really enjoy having everything within a couple of minutes. I love the thought of getting to decide what hospital to deliver our next baby at. I love our new congregation and our apartment.

What I don't like is that I spend most of my days at home. I haven't made any friends yet, hopefully the coming weeks I'll get closer to some of our fellow believers, and I have a hard time with Carter's horrible sleep habits, getting out for walks and other activities.

I plan on starting to go for daily walks and exercise daily and take better care of myself, do my hair and makeup and what not.

I miss having a dog in the house but I'm not where near ready to get another dog. When we do get another dog, we will start with puppy sitting/fostering and then puppy raising. I don't see us having another pet dog for a couple of years. Neither one of us are ready and we know we wouldn't be able to give a pet dog a great home and that's what we want to do.

No news on Eva yet, beyond what we found online, that they are working on getting her a diagnosis. I feel like her tough early months made me jaded, I couldn't see her for what shape she was in currently, all I could see what that tiny little puppy trying to die in my home. It's a hard thing to do, to admit that you aren't the right place for an animal you love, but I'm happy I did and she's getting an unbiased opinion and help.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

A Dream I Thought Would Never Happen

As I sit here and look at my huge to-do list, a chunk of it rolled over from yesterday and do some things online, I can't help but think about how much I love being home. The work is endless, exhausting and I never get a break but I can't imagine anything I'd rather do.



At one point, not too long ago, I wondered if I would ever have a baby. Would I ever become a mommy? Would I ever feel a little womb baby kicking and moving in my belly? Would I ever hold a warm, wiggly newborn on my chest and feel that overwhelming love and disbelief? Would I ever deal with sleep deprivation and midnight feedings, diaper changes and rocking sessions? When I saw those lines, when I saw my little bug on that first ultrasound and heard his heartbeat for the first time, I started to believe.

When I had my baby boy, I realized one dream. But I quickly lost another. I had to return to work. I dreamed I would be able to stay home and here I am, it's taken sacrifices, lots of them, but I'm here. It's far better then I ever imagined it could be!

Shaking what his momma gave him! Dancing to the music he was making with the tin of mints.

I do a lot of food prep, mostly cutting up fresh fruits and veggies, a lot of dishes and picking up after my little tornado is done pulling everything he can reach off of it's perch, a lot of vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, etc. It's the moments when Carter is crawling around playing and decides he needs his mommy and will come up to me, lay his head on my arm or lap and smile. It's when he sees me a squeals and gets the biggest, cheesiest smile on his face. It's watching him learn and grow and develop new skills and tricks. It's knowing exactly what he ate today, exactly how he napped, exactly how he's feeling. It's watching his face as he tries a new food for the first time. Seeing his eyes light up when he realized he just accomplished something he's been working on, like picking up two items in the same hand.



As nice as the paycheck can be from working, as nice as getting away for a little bit of time can be, nothing comes close to these moments. Nothing comes close to knowing that my son no longer gets a bottle, no longer drinks formula, not a drop. He now gets breastmilk only and water in his sippy cup.



Monday, July 2, 2012

Settling In

A lot has happened since my last post. Max got a job offer quickly and started last week. We moved (post to come on that), Eva went to a golden retriever rescue and Carter turned 10 months old. My emotions have been all over the place but I feel like things are settling down now and I can return to my new normal.

My reason for suggesting we move down south was for me to be able to stay home with Carter. As much as it sucks to have moved away from my family, for me, it sucks even more to be away from Carter all day every day. I've been home for just over a month (for the second time) and there really is nothing else I would rather do. I'm excited to have the chance at a clean slate, the house is mine to organize and decorate and keep clean and tidy, not have to undo everything and redo while trying to function in it as a home.

Eva went to the golden retriever rescue for a couple of reasons. I don't feel like I'm in a place in my life to care for a large dog, or any dog for that matter. I'm dealing with getting my life stable and where I want it. Eva wasn't getting the attention she deserves and needs. That was all a secondary reason though. With the instability of our income, I knew I wouldn't be able to get her into the vets for a full work up and answers. When we took her back we were told it was her kidneys, there wouldn't be abnormal vet costs because there wasn't anything they could do for her and she would likely not see much after her first birthday. She'll be 4 in October. The golden rescue will get answers and either leave her in a permanent foster home or place her with a family who is fully informed on her health and who have the resources to support her and whatever health issues there are. I miss my beautiful golden girl but I had to put my feelings aside and do what was best for her.

No plans at this point to get a new dog or raise. We are closer to Canine Angels kennels so I will probably puppy sit when I'm ready or at least participate on outings. We still have Elijah, he's adjusting to being an inside cat.

Ok, I better go work on unpacking some more and cleaning. Off to Target later and I may start working on our little backyard.