Wednesday, February 15, 2012

#2?

I have a slight problem. I think after all those years of trying, hoping, praying, waiting, longing and tears while waiting for Carter, I got a bit obsessed with all things trying to conceive, pregnancy and baby. I’m having a hard time pushing down the desire to be pregnant again and try. Don’t worry, we’re still breastfeeding, my cycle hasn’t returned and I’m on birth control. That doesn’t mean I’m not fighting the desire to take a test, hear a little heartbeat, have ultrasounds, prepare for a baby. 
I’m trying to focus on the little baby I currently have. He’s grown so much and has come so far from being a newborn but he’s still a sweet, innocent, deliciously adorable baby. I’m trying to focus on things to buy him, things to make for him, ways to help him learn and grow. I’m also trying to decide the right timing for our next baby. Do I wait until we are in a house we’re buying, do I wait until I can stay home, do I wait until Carter is out of diapers? Our apartment would work for two babies, we actually already know how the nursery would be set up with two babies and are buying a second dresser. Not for a second baby but because the one we just bought would make an awesome storage for diapers and the matching one would work better for Carter’s clothes. :-) I’m not sure if I will ever be able to stay home with my babies, especially when thinking about health care for our family.
There are some things that I feel aren’t an option to not have done before another baby. We have to have money in savings and be almost out of debt, if not all the way. We have to be working on getting a second reliable car because I hate having Carter in our second car now. We have to have money saved up for my maternity leave and hopefully Max will be able to take some time off when the next baby is born so we’ll have to have money to cover that as well.
As far as age difference, I would really like to breastfeed Carter until he’s 18 months old or older. I know that pregnancy can interfere with breastfeeding so would like to wait until after we’re done to get pregnant again. So I’m thinking 2.5-3 years difference. So I’ve got plenty of time to just enjoy my baby boy and spoil him rotten before #2 comes along. Deep down I know this is for the best and what my family needs and it takes the edge off the fever a bit.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Reason I Work

As hard as it is for me to leave Carter everyday, I have to work. At this point in time, and the foreseeable future, I don’t have an choice but to work. So here are some of the reasons I work:
To keep a roof over my son’s head.
To keep clean, fitting clothes on his body.
To put food in his belly.
To have heat in his nursery.
To have a safe, reliable way to get him from point A to point B.
To put gas in our vehicles.
To keep our pets fed.
To keep our pets flea free.
To show him that what we need is more important then what we want.
One day, (hopefully before baby #2 gets here) I will have the chance to be a stay-at-home-mommy, or better yet, work part-time. I really do enjoy my job, however, I feel like I don’t spend enough time with Carter and that hurts. Time really does fly so fast with your children and I’ll never get this time back. It’s not a matter of providing nicer things for him right now, it’s the necessary things that I’m providing. So here are my goals to reach before baby #2 (unless there’s an oops) and before I can cut my hours at work.
Baby #2
Out of debt (excluding student loans)
Improve Credit
Buy Second Safe Car
Have enough money in savings to survive for 6 months
Start paying off student loans
Start saving money for down payment on a house
The main thing to reach these goals right now is for Max to find a good, reliable job that pays enough. Then we can work towards our goals and once Max has some time in at a job, then I can talk to my bosses about cutting back to just working afternoons. Who knows if these goals will all be reached before baby #2 comes along, but either way, it’ll be ok.

Monday, February 13, 2012

6:30 am

I lay here in bed snuggled up to my sleeping boy who just finished eating. I dread the fact that its Monday and so starts my five days of leaving him. I wish things were different, I wish I had the opportunity to take care of him all day, everyday. To comfort him when he’s in pain, to cuddle him when he’s tired and play with him. Then I feel guilty because I really do like my job, I have a good opportunity to gain some great experience and this job was handed me. I should be thankful. But my mother side is winning out and I can’t help but think of how different I wished things were. How much I wish I had the luxury of staying home with my son and him being my job. Ugh, I hope, soon, I can have that chance. For now I pursue a career that will provide me the change to work from my home so I can have the best of both worlds without leaving my family in a bind.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

#2 or #7?

I’m having a struggle. Max said we could get another puppy to raise once Carter is 2 years old. The problem with this is that around the time Carter turns 2, I would LOVE to be pregnant again with our second little miracle. So the dilemma I’m facing is, do I raise another puppy pregnant, get another puppy sooner so I’m only pregnant for part of the time, or push off raising puppy #7 until our youngest child is old enough? Hmm… all these things to consider. What say you?

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

5 Months of Perfection

I was contemplating writing a post recapping 2011. I was thinking about what a wonderful, amazing year it was. Preparing for our son and welcoming his arrival, learning how to be a mommy right along side him learning to be a person and Max learning to be a daddy. Sure, there were parts of last year that sucked, the constant struggle to pay the bills, losing our beloved (albeit annoying) doxie, job loses, diabetes, and other random acts of unfortunate circumstances.
Yet none of that mattered! What mattered were the moments with my family, watching my son’s heart beat on that screen for the very first time, feeling those first few movements, finding out he was a she then finding out he was a he, picking a name, buying his equipment and supplies, preparing our lives for such a massive responsibility.
Anxiously waiting those last couple of weeks, laying in bed and my water breaking, running around like wild boars to get to the hospital within the hour we were told, enduring all-reasoning-thoughts-useless contractions, seeing my baby boy for the first time, hearing his sweet cries, nursing him for the first time. 
Getting to know my precious son, sleepless nights, mindless days, visits with loved ones, innocent baths, first smile and laugh. Watching him grow and learn, how to roll over, grasp things, discover his feet. 
Those are the things that come to my mind when I look back on 2011. Those are the things I hope to hold onto forever, when things get hard with Carter, with being a mother, I hope I can look back on these precious moments, this perfect point in time and revel in these feelings. 
No matter what goes wrong, as long as I hold onto these memories, I’ll make it through. I was made to be a mother and now that I am, I can’t imagine life any other way. Carter filled a hole in my life I knew was there, I just didn’t realize how big it was.


Monday, February 6, 2012

Struggling

I’m really struggling with my feelings about working right now. I miss my son like crazy. I just want to cuddle him and play with him and watch him learn and explore and grow. Staying home just isn’t an option at this point in time for me. My husband first has to have a stable, family wage job and we want to be out of debt and have a savings before I stay home again. It may be a couple of years, it may be never. Who knows. All I know is that it breaks my heart to walk away from Carter every day, knowing I’m not going to see him for 9 hours and that I’m going to miss him like crazy all day long. I know I’m doing what I have to to provide for him, to provide him some stability and the things my family needs but that doesn’t make it any easier. I miss this face