Friday, March 30, 2012

5 Years!

Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary! We've come so far and yet have so far to go. I love my husband and love my little family. I think this anniversary is even sweeter since it's a milestone and the last year has been full of ups and downs. I'm excited where the next 5 years take us and our family!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

What Carter's Doing

Carter is 7 months 1 week old today. He is growing so much and making so much progress that I want to write down what he's up to at this point. He is such a happy baby who is friendly, curious, cuddly and distracted. He loves paper and anything electronic.

He loves to eat, loves mum mums, yogurt drops, sweet potatoes, peas, apples, bananas, peas, squash and combo foods. He's not such a fan of green beans, carrots, and meats (jarred). He has eaten toast, french toast, turkey bacon, carrots, green beans, broccoli, cheese, apples, fries, tomatoes, lettuce, chicken, chicken and I'm sure others I can't remember at the moment. He loves feeding himself and it's so cute to watch him chew food up (with his toothless gums) and maneuver it.

He is sitting up really well now, he loves to sit next to his toy basket that is in the living room and pull his toys out. Almost every time he ends up chewing on the basket itsself but it keeps him entertained so I can get things done and he does so well entertaining himself.

He loves loves loves Eva and Elijah! They both love him in return and spend time cuddling him and watch over him all the time. Eva is constantly laying next to his jumper or under his swing or highchair. When he's on the floor she lays out of reach but where she can see him. He loves to pet her and kiss her. I don't much like him kissing her at this point because it's still the mouth wide open kisses.

Carter is so close to crawling. He gets up on his hands and knees and rocks back and forth. He has made forward movement a couple of times but usually ends up sliding backwards. I think he'll be crawling soon! Which means time to baby proof the house!

He was sitting in bed last night when I was trying to get him to sleep and he pulled up to a stand on me! I was so proud of my little booger!

He jabbers up a storm! He makes sounds that sound like "yeah" and "mama". He growls a lot and squeals. He fake coughs and hums.

He doesn't have any teeth yet but I think they're coming soon. He keeps moving his mouth like he's chewing and sticks his tongue out and rubs it on his gums.

When I get home from work or in the morning and other times he reaches out for me and rocks his body back and forth and laughs.

He just started dancing last week too! It's so cute to see him rocking his little body to the music.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Sick Day

Yesterday was a glimpse at what could be for me. I stayed home from work to take care of my sweet pudding while his daddy was at work. Carter and I spent time cuddling in bed then time reading, playing and nursing in between lots of naps. We ate lunch together (he didn't eat much, sucked on some apple sticks) and I got some cleaning done.

I'm back at work today but am doing alright. I know what my life can be and will be, one day. We are taking steps to reach our goals for me to stay home and it feels good. It will probably start with me cutting back to working part time (if my other boss agrees with it, when the time comes) and then staying home full time but I'll take what I can get.

Here's some pictures of my sweet heart from yesterday. We spent some time working on crawling too, he's so close, has made forward movement a couple times but most of the time ends up sliding backwards.

Sleep is the best medicine! He slept until 10 am!

Cuddles after diaper change, getting dressed and nursing

Sucking on some apple sticks for lunch

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Sick Baby

Carter woke up pretty upset last night in the middle of the night so I went and got him, pulled him into bed with me and cuddled up for some nursing. I noticed then that he was burning up so endured the long long night with lots of cuddles and nursing and trying to make him comfortable. 6:30 this morning my alarm went off so I took his temperature and learned that his temperature was 101.4° F. My little buddy was sick. I went to get ready for work and he started screaming when I walked away from him so after some tylenol, I spent a little bit of time trying to get him back to sleep and gave him to his daddy. I heard him screaming while I was in the shower and I spent a little bit of time in there crying. It was a real internal battle for me to decide to not call in to work. After my shower I got dressed and went and got my baby who fell asleep instantly in my arms. He just wanted his mommy. I tried to lay him down in his swing and he woke up screaming again. More cuddles with momma. I got him happy sitting on the floor playing with some toys but a couple minutes later he was rolling to me and grabbing my pant legs so I cuddled some more with him. It was getting close to me having to go so I got a bottle of breast milk for him and when I left he was giving me some serious guilt-trip eyes and eating his bottle.

I got a text 45 minutes later that he had been crying since I left. Both my bosses know that there is a possibility that I'll be leaving early today but so far Max has been able to handle our sicky baby who's spent most of his day sleeping. I know that if I need to go home, I can and that Max will let me know when/if that is. I wish I was there giving my baby what he wanted, mommy cuddles, but I'm out earning some money to pay bills instead. It's a good thing my attitude adjustment came before this sickness or I'd be an emotional wreck, more then the couple of tears I've cried from hearing my baby cry over the phone. 

3 more hours and I'll be home with him, cuddling the night away. Tomorrow Max works so I may be taking a sick day tomorrow and taking care of my baby. We'll see.

My sick baby this morning before I left :-(

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I'm teething

Carter's teething. So am I. Ugh. Seems as if one of my wisdom teeth is trying to break through and boy, is it an annoyance! I completely feel for my little guy and hope his teeth bust through soon, for his sake. I'm not looking forward to him exploring with his new teeth during nursing sessions but we'll take it.

I know that wisdom teeth don't actually cause you to suddenly become wise but I'm hoping for a miracle *wink* I hope it comes in without a problem and is small like my other teeth so it'll fit in the part of my gum that doesn't seem like there's enough space for another tooth.

He looks like such a little boy in the picture! <3 I adore him.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Personal Growth and Acceptance

If you haven't been able to tell from my recent posts, I've been awfully depressed lately. I was allowing work and how much I hate that I have to work to take all my energy. I was wallowing in self-pity and despair. Then Carter's Mema rode in on a giant white horse and did something that was hard for her to do. She sat me down and had a serious heart-to-heart with me. I cried for about 3 hours straight, went home and had a serious talk with Max about our family, marriage and myself. About where we've been, where we are and where we're going.

The next morning we put our plan into action and then I went back to my Mom's house and we addressed more issues, something I've been letting my pride and stubbornness shine through and has been causing me a lot of guilt. I don't do well with guilt, at all. Guilt is my main enemy, if I have a clean conscious, I'm a completely different person then if I have guilt. It took a couple hours and a complete shut-down on my part.

However, I learned a very big, very important lesson over those two days. I have to be true to who I am and I have to work at having the attributes and traits that I desire. Even though those two days were tough on me, I have already experienced a huge difference in my marriage, day to day life and attitude. I am working very hard to avoid the negative opinions and thoughts that I once just allowed myself to be surrounded with. Max and I are taking the time in the evenings to discuss what we need from each other and what we want to see our marriage be and working in accord with those. I have accepted that for the time being, I'm working, that doesn't make me a bad mom or a bad person, simply means I'm doing what I have to for my boys.

From being more of who I want to be and working on the parts that I can't change overnight and from praying for help and support to be who I want to be, I have far less anxiety and am stronger in who I am. So what if someone doesn't like my idea? So what if there's a rude comment or remark? I am who I am and I'm ok with that. The point where I start to get weak again will be if I am not true to myself again. I'm a sensitive, people pleaser who generally lets people walk all over her. I don't see that changing to much, but I'm going to add myself to the people to please and that will mean people won't walk all over me anymore.

I have to be who I can be proud of, who Carter can be proud of and someone I want Carter imitating. If I'm not, something needs to change, I just needed a little help to see it. Thank you Mom, you're an amazing, beautiful woman and I can only hope to be like you when I grow up *wink*

I Miss Him

I was laying in bed this morning, cuddling my congested baby and longed to text my mom and the other assistant that Carter was sick and I was gonna stay home. I didn’t but my arms ache to hold him.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Poor Planning?

I’m finding myself sinking into a depression. I don’t think it’s any secret that I want to stay home with Carter. I’m having increasing anxiety and that just makes me feel worse. I want myself, my family, my home and life to reflect who I am on the inside. It doesn’t at this point in time which triggers more anxiety. I’m so exhausted that I find just thinking about fixing it all overwhelms me. It’s a good thing my boy is so cute and can get me to laugh and relax with his cute self!
Wow, guess I should blog what I meant to. What I meant to say is that even though I have some bitterness at the situation requiring me to work, I am at fault as well. I planned on being out of debt, done with school, buying a house, money in savings, all that hoopla before having a baby so that I could stay home or work part time. Things didn’t work out that way which means that life now has its own challenges, including having my heart ripped out each time I leave my son. But, it is a situation that, with the correct planning and actions, will come to an end.
The birth of my new nephew traumatized me. It’s going to take awhile for me to get past it and resume my baby fever. After losing Koen, I am so afraid of losing another baby in my life. Pregnancy, birth and parenting certainly come with their own possible heartaches but they also come with huge rewards. Right now I’m going to focus on reaching my goals, reflecting in my life and home who I am as a person and reaching my ultimate goal of home schooling my baby. More babies may or may not be in our future currently but that doesn’t change the one I currently have and adore.