Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Out of My Hands

Last Wednesday I turned in my resignation at work.

Yesterday, I was late to work by 10 minutes due to more babysitter problems. Yesterday evening, I was given my final checks and told they were letting me go.

I don't like it when things don't go according to plan but I am so thrilled to get to spend my days taking care of my most precious gift and house. I'm happy that I no longer have to worry about what my son is doing all day, if he's eating, if he's being sat in front of a tv, if I'm going to be able to go to work or have to call in because of problems.

I'm happy. I no longer have to wake my sleeping baby to spend 30 minutes with him before I drop him off and don't see him again for 9 hours. I'm happy that I'm the one who will be making the decisions on his daily care, more so then what I pack in his diaper bag.

It won't even be that big of a difference money-wise since we've been living off one income anyway.

I will never regret staying home with my son. Everyday I worked, I regret. 'Nough said.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

9 months old!

My little guy is 9 months old today! I'm not sure where the time went! He is so precious, so happy, so wonderful. I feel like he deserves so much better of a mom then me but he's stuck with me *wink*.

He had an appointment today, he weighs 15 lbs 11 oz and is 26.5 inches long. He's my little peanut but perfectly healthy (aside from probable celiacs).

He's mobile as well! He is crawling, it's so cute to watch him crawl after his ball or the dog or cat. His favorite activity is standing at the coffee table and getting into whatever he can reach. He loves the park and sitting outside and sitting in his stroller. He still fits in his swing, loves bath time and people. He has started reacting when he doesn't want to go to someone, whether he knows them or not. He will turn his head away and pull himself closer to me. If I hand him to someone and he changes his mind he leans and reaches for me. It melts my heart!

I'm like a Yo-Yo!

My levels of being ok with continuing to work is seriously like a yo-yo. Some days, sometimes, I'm ok. I tell myself that I can do this, that we'll make it work. Then there's times, like today, where I could literally walk out of this office right now and never come back and I'd be ok with it. Times when the last thing I care about is money or upgrading anything in our house. Times where all I want to do is read my son a book, take him to the park, run errands, support my sister while she's in labor, etc that break my heart that I'm here, scanning in old, moldy files, never being good enough and getting all the blame from bosses and clients. My goal is Sept 7 but right now, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to June 7, let alone September.....

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The last 7 days

have been horrible! Seriously, I never, ever, want to relive the last week, ever again!

The daycare arrangements we had didn't work out. Carter was jealous of the nursing time his baby cousin was getting and no one was getting what they needed and it was very unhealthy for all involved. So Tuesday he went and hung out with some friends of ours. Tuesday evening we met with a lady that I had been emailing back and forth with about watching Carter. She came to our house and she put me at ease. Was upfront that her and her fiance were in recovery and this that and the other. So we decided to go to her house, meet her children and fiance. I was desperate to find somewhere for Carter and we didn't have much time, so we agreed to drop him off the next morning. Man, was that the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do! Drop my precious baby boy who is my entire world, off with a stranger I met 12 hours earlier. I bawled as I handed him over, walking to my car, driving to work, sitting in my car outside of work, at my desk, talking to my mom, etc. You get the idea. I was a royal MESS!

Anyway, Wednesday morning when I dropped him off, they asked me if they could pick Carter up a little early since they had to be in town at 8:30. I agreed. I get to work and my dear mother looks up their names in the court dockets. They had to be in town because her fiance had court for drug charges! My initial reaction was I felt sick, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I had left my son with someone who had a record, who had drug charges that were active in the court system. I fought my instinct to go and pick Carter up and I made it through the work day. She sent me a lot of pictures of my happy boy smiling and eating.

The next morning I sent her a text that I was going to stay home so they didn't need to pick up Carter. Stay home I did. I could not let my son go to them again. So Thursday I spent calling every phone number I could find for childcare in our area. Most were full on infants or didn't answer. Friday, the plan was for Carter to go visit our friends again but that didn't work out because he woke up sick. So I called into work again. We went and visited a daycare that I loved! It was well organized, fun, enriched learning and exploration. I took home the paperwork and during Carter's nap started filling it out. Then I got a text!

A girl I've known ever since I can remember was willing to watch Carter. It was perfect! Yesterday I dropped him off, I didn't shed one tear all day. I got a picture and video of my sweet baby playing and learning. He was well-fed, rested and happy when he got picked up. This morning when I dropped him off, he was happy to be there. Didn't cry when I left. I'm content, for now, with working and working toward our goals so I can quit and stay home with my son and never have to worry about finding full-time childcare again.

The plan at this point is for my last day to be September 7. We will make the necessary changes in July to our lifestyle choices to allow this to happen and will pay only daycare and my work expenses with my income. All other bills and expenses will be paid with Max's checks to ensure we can survive off his income. I can't wait to stay home with my son but it still feels like it's forever away! I will try to take on some kids to babysit to help with income but am not planning on it financially so that can be "extra" instead of necessary. Maybe I'll take a couple months to just enjoy being home with Carter first. Who knows. All I know is that 35% of my income is going straight to childcare, then factor in the gas, extra car, extra car insurance and work lunches, I don't bring home a ton of money....

Monday, May 7, 2012

Good News!!

Max got a job! It's been a long 6 months of dealing with the temporary job but he started a new, full-time, permanent job today! I'm so excited! It is one big step towards getting out of debt and baby #2 and me getting to stay home with my love!

No plans as of yet as to when I'll get to quit my job, I am just playing it by ear and planning out what debts can be paid when and what else I can do with the money, like new clothes (that are desperately needed for us adults), decorating the house, getting Carter's pictures done, car repairs, money in savings, etc. It really depends on when we can support ourselves on Max's income alone, without assistance. I could quit my job today and rely on state assistance but I'm not comfortable with it just yet. Who knows, maybe in a couple more months of dropping my baby off everyday with other people, I will be ok with it, but right now, the ability to pay bills and buy some needed things is very nice.