If you haven't been able to tell from my recent posts, I've been awfully depressed lately. I was allowing work and how much I hate that I have to work to take all my energy. I was wallowing in self-pity and despair. Then Carter's Mema rode in on a giant white horse and did something that was hard for her to do. She sat me down and had a serious heart-to-heart with me. I cried for about 3 hours straight, went home and had a serious talk with Max about our family, marriage and myself. About where we've been, where we are and where we're going.
The next morning we put our plan into action and then I went back to my Mom's house and we addressed more issues, something I've been letting my pride and stubbornness shine through and has been causing me a lot of guilt. I don't do well with guilt, at all. Guilt is my main enemy, if I have a clean conscious, I'm a completely different person then if I have guilt. It took a couple hours and a complete shut-down on my part.
However, I learned a very big, very important lesson over those two days. I have to be true to who I am and I have to work at having the attributes and traits that I desire. Even though those two days were tough on me, I have already experienced a huge difference in my marriage, day to day life and attitude. I am working very hard to avoid the negative opinions and thoughts that I once just allowed myself to be surrounded with. Max and I are taking the time in the evenings to discuss what we need from each other and what we want to see our marriage be and working in accord with those. I have accepted that for the time being, I'm working, that doesn't make me a bad mom or a bad person, simply means I'm doing what I have to for my boys.
From being more of who I want to be and working on the parts that I can't change overnight and from praying for help and support to be who I want to be, I have far less anxiety and am stronger in who I am. So what if someone doesn't like my idea? So what if there's a rude comment or remark? I am who I am and I'm ok with that. The point where I start to get weak again will be if I am not true to myself again. I'm a sensitive, people pleaser who generally lets people walk all over her. I don't see that changing to much, but I'm going to add myself to the people to please and that will mean people won't walk all over me anymore.
I have to be who I can be proud of, who Carter can be proud of and someone I want Carter imitating. If I'm not, something needs to change, I just needed a little help to see it. Thank you Mom, you're an amazing, beautiful woman and I can only hope to be like you when I grow up *wink*