Thursday, March 8, 2012

Poor Planning?

I’m finding myself sinking into a depression. I don’t think it’s any secret that I want to stay home with Carter. I’m having increasing anxiety and that just makes me feel worse. I want myself, my family, my home and life to reflect who I am on the inside. It doesn’t at this point in time which triggers more anxiety. I’m so exhausted that I find just thinking about fixing it all overwhelms me. It’s a good thing my boy is so cute and can get me to laugh and relax with his cute self!
Wow, guess I should blog what I meant to. What I meant to say is that even though I have some bitterness at the situation requiring me to work, I am at fault as well. I planned on being out of debt, done with school, buying a house, money in savings, all that hoopla before having a baby so that I could stay home or work part time. Things didn’t work out that way which means that life now has its own challenges, including having my heart ripped out each time I leave my son. But, it is a situation that, with the correct planning and actions, will come to an end.
The birth of my new nephew traumatized me. It’s going to take awhile for me to get past it and resume my baby fever. After losing Koen, I am so afraid of losing another baby in my life. Pregnancy, birth and parenting certainly come with their own possible heartaches but they also come with huge rewards. Right now I’m going to focus on reaching my goals, reflecting in my life and home who I am as a person and reaching my ultimate goal of home schooling my baby. More babies may or may not be in our future currently but that doesn’t change the one I currently have and adore.

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