Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The last 7 days

have been horrible! Seriously, I never, ever, want to relive the last week, ever again!

The daycare arrangements we had didn't work out. Carter was jealous of the nursing time his baby cousin was getting and no one was getting what they needed and it was very unhealthy for all involved. So Tuesday he went and hung out with some friends of ours. Tuesday evening we met with a lady that I had been emailing back and forth with about watching Carter. She came to our house and she put me at ease. Was upfront that her and her fiance were in recovery and this that and the other. So we decided to go to her house, meet her children and fiance. I was desperate to find somewhere for Carter and we didn't have much time, so we agreed to drop him off the next morning. Man, was that the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do! Drop my precious baby boy who is my entire world, off with a stranger I met 12 hours earlier. I bawled as I handed him over, walking to my car, driving to work, sitting in my car outside of work, at my desk, talking to my mom, etc. You get the idea. I was a royal MESS!

Anyway, Wednesday morning when I dropped him off, they asked me if they could pick Carter up a little early since they had to be in town at 8:30. I agreed. I get to work and my dear mother looks up their names in the court dockets. They had to be in town because her fiance had court for drug charges! My initial reaction was I felt sick, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I had left my son with someone who had a record, who had drug charges that were active in the court system. I fought my instinct to go and pick Carter up and I made it through the work day. She sent me a lot of pictures of my happy boy smiling and eating.

The next morning I sent her a text that I was going to stay home so they didn't need to pick up Carter. Stay home I did. I could not let my son go to them again. So Thursday I spent calling every phone number I could find for childcare in our area. Most were full on infants or didn't answer. Friday, the plan was for Carter to go visit our friends again but that didn't work out because he woke up sick. So I called into work again. We went and visited a daycare that I loved! It was well organized, fun, enriched learning and exploration. I took home the paperwork and during Carter's nap started filling it out. Then I got a text!

A girl I've known ever since I can remember was willing to watch Carter. It was perfect! Yesterday I dropped him off, I didn't shed one tear all day. I got a picture and video of my sweet baby playing and learning. He was well-fed, rested and happy when he got picked up. This morning when I dropped him off, he was happy to be there. Didn't cry when I left. I'm content, for now, with working and working toward our goals so I can quit and stay home with my son and never have to worry about finding full-time childcare again.

The plan at this point is for my last day to be September 7. We will make the necessary changes in July to our lifestyle choices to allow this to happen and will pay only daycare and my work expenses with my income. All other bills and expenses will be paid with Max's checks to ensure we can survive off his income. I can't wait to stay home with my son but it still feels like it's forever away! I will try to take on some kids to babysit to help with income but am not planning on it financially so that can be "extra" instead of necessary. Maybe I'll take a couple months to just enjoy being home with Carter first. Who knows. All I know is that 35% of my income is going straight to childcare, then factor in the gas, extra car, extra car insurance and work lunches, I don't bring home a ton of money....

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